Here we are.... a rainy day.... and I'm pondering..
I must admit, I've stayed away from the blogging phases of my life. However, the most interesting things have been occuring, and coming into realization of the meanings of those things is even more invigorating!!! I have realized that I was probably my healthiest, my most whole, and happiest, everytime I wrote. I've been writing since I was 7. No one told me what a diary was. I picked up a spiral book, and there was my diary. Then, when I got to 9 years of age,I started getting allowances, so you know what that means!! I started buying the fancy diaries..u know, with the lock and key (like my hairpins wouldn't open it either...lol) .. but man, just to write everyday, and keep it to myself, I'd work my tail off ! I'd easily kill one of those diaries withthe stone-washed covers that held a measly 200- 250 blank pages within one month! Oh, I had so much to write about! When my mother pissed me off, when my family called me fat, my day at school, i'd keep it with me on weekends in the car with me, everywhere I went! I couldn't wait to get home to write about my day! I loved it! It was truly my best friend. I felt alone in my house all the time. My mother called me names, cursed at me, didn't feel like she was on the team of being a mom to her daughter. My family drove me into anorexia, didn't feel too close to them either, so yeah, I had a lot to write about. My only place of comfort ironically was school and my room, with my diary. So on with my life...
Let's start off with who I am... I'm Tanisha, Nish, Ahab Un Neter (Joy Is Being God), a protective friend, sister, lover, mommy, awesome writer, dancer, creator, always creating.. Art is life to me. Without creation, forget about it! Why the hell are we here? You will read some sh*t about me here on Blogger, so get ready! I'll tell you about how I hate Math, which I plan to develop a love -relationship with this year when I return to college to finish my Business Degree! I'll tell you about my ex's ... bliss and hell.. get a glass of wine for that!
I'll tell you about me, vulnerable, strong, weak, loving, hateful, comfortable, shy, unique, artiste, frisky, nosy, uncooperative, apeasing, peaceful, inquisitive, hard worker, in the moment, for the lifetime, who am I?... Honeyluv, get a shot and a glass of wine for that!
So this blogging thing, ok... Blogger got me years ago and I started, but found what I saw to be a more social blogging mechanism, Yahoo 360, who in turn, screwed me and over 8 million people by removing the site and only giving us a very short time to retrieve all our blogs. Needless to say, I lost all of mine, but here, Blogger still stands! Now although I blogged on 360, back then, my mentality was still shaping, there was still a need to be seen, and Yahoo 360 was so colorful, and there were ALWAYS responses to my blogs 5, sometimes 2 minutes AFTER I posted.. well, I can tell I've grown a lot more since then. I am strictly doing this for the love of Me! You got it! So in lieu of my best friend, Dai (alovelydai.blogspot.com), who ALSO, is doing this for the love of HER, as usual, we share a heart, and we're beating at the same rhythm, at the same time... I now ALLOW you, if you wish, to preview, read, re-read, and read again, my life. This has NEVER been done in the history of Tanisha. When I began blogging on 360 years ago, I started from the beginning of my single life after a 4 year relationship and a 3 year old to raise alone while living at my mother's house. I had been ashamed, and so there were things I didn't blog about, like living at my mother's house. Everyone in my FAM (my group of friends that I grew up with) had either been new homeowners or at least had their own apartments and doing big things. There was NEVER a competition with them, just the feeling that I was always behind in some way shape or form. So my blogging, as freeing and joyful as it was for me, was still limited.
Well, this isn't. There is some shit on this site. I want to first start off by saying that I love you all. It's not my fault. I've loved people I never knew or met since I was a child. I used to write on my notebooks "i love everybody" while chicks were writing their here and now school loves on theirs. That was me. I used to be ashamed of that too, having that unconditional love for all people and not knowing why the hell no one else did. I mean, it's not like having that type of mentality is taught! You know I actually wasn't raised by the most loving woman in the world! She was very limited in her display of affection, words of love, kindness, and motherhood to me in general. The only thing she made sure she ALWAYS did consistently, was provide. Roof, transportation to get me to and from school, dance practices, school dances, friends' homes, etc., clothes & shoes(which I didn't ask for, just waited for her to offer because money was always an issue), food, and a clean environment. So this love crusade that I was on a looooooong time ago, was welcomed everywhere, meaning school, peers, wasn't always welcome. I was wierd. Still am, and loving it everyday. At this point in my life, the only person I want to make sure they understand me fully before going further in our life together, is my fiancee'. Everyone else, well, even YOU, the reader, you'll get me one day. All I'm saying to you, is that if you're one who really wants to figure me out, read my blogs, and then print them out... yeah... you'll love yourself for it. Make a binder. I'm actually starting one from my best friend. I've done this before, and it's awesome.
Be blessed... and thanks for stopping by....I'm ready to write my tell-all, tell it like it is, STORY.
To the dudes I've dealt with, bless u. You probably don't even have the slightest amount of brainpower to understand that half of your bullshit made me stronger, but bless you sweetiepies.. and understand...no, OVERSTAND, that our journey together, was all a blessing, and I'm proud of you if you learned from it and created a beautiful reality for yourself, if you're still in the same mess you were into before, i still say, bless you. I forgive you. I will continue to meditate to do so, because this love crusade called my life, tends to pick people up along the way, people who NEED to know what sisterhood is like (my girls), what real tantric spiritual love feels like (my ex's and jumpoffs), what a real unconditional love from an Afrikan woman who takes her culture seriously feels like (my white peoples and eurocentric black folk), and I've come to overstand, that my mission here, is gonna pick you up, some of you i just have to drop off somewhere, close my door and lock that mf*, but for others, they stay with me, and I know that they'll remain in my life till my last days and beyond this life in the physical planes... Dai, she's giving my eulogy.. we already discussed that... she's throwing my afterparty... she's droppin it like it's hot for me... that' s my sister for every lifetime I coexist!
Welcome to my world folks... welcome to my life of run -on sentences and cross referencing times, events, and people that all tie into who I am sitting here before you, typing my life..
Blessings & Honeykisses!
-Tanisha
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